I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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