i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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