Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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