one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
