weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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