I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
