i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
