one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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