dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
