She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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