im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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