First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
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Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
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I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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