Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
