Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
