that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You took a bar mat shot.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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