If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
