i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
