i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
