he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
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we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
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Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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