I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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