I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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