Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
