I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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