She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
