pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
