does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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