Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
