oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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