Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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