so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
