I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
