You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
