i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
