Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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