using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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