He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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