Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
