I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
