I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
