i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
