Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
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Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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