At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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