My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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