that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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