i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
