I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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