her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
