Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
