Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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