I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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