I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
