I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
