Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
