Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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