I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
